Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The UGLY Stocking

When I was a young child someone gave me a horrendously unattractive hand crocheted stocking. It was quite possibly the ugliest stocking I had ever seen...my mother said I had to use it for Santa that year. Needless to say I didn't like change much and I wanted my usual stocking. So I went over to grab it off the mantle. I was going to hide the stupid thing so I could use MY usual stocking. To my surprise I discovered in my hurry to snatch the stocking without anyone seeing it got hung up and I was thrust to the floor stocking in hand as it clung with dear life to it's hook. I was probably all of  40 lbs...a little rattled I stood up, dusted myself off and frantically looked around to see if anyone had seen me attempting to steal my very own stocking off it's proper spot under the carefully stacked old wooden blocks spelling my name above it amidst the fresh fraizer fur trimmings. Phew, nobody saw...and then my jaw dropped. What had I done... my stocking stretched... oh dear I was going to be in trouble for sure. I sat on the floor perplexed staring at my newly formed stocking.


All at once it hit me...this was incredible. This ugly stocking was a GOLD mine waiting to happen. I grabbed the end of the stocking and pulled with all my might and yes, it stretched even further. I was so excited. I knew the more I stretched it the more stuff Santa would have to fill my stocking with. I must have sat there for an hour stretching the width and the length and giggled with delight at every centimeter longer it did grow. I used my legs as a level and pushed them off against the fireplace pulling and tugging over and over again.


Suddenly from the door way across the room I heard my father walk in and exclaim. (I can hear his words and voice resonate in my mind as if it was yesterday.) "Stacie, what in the world are YOU doing?" he said in a very matter of fact kind of way.

Oh no, I was caught. I was currently in quite a literally awkward position. I had the end of the stocking with both hands gripped firmly around the toe and both of my legs strattled either side of the stocking as I was bent over bum in the air as if I was about to touch my own toes mid tug... I am quite sure I must have turned white as a ghost. I then calmly said,"Why daddy I'm just making room for Santa to put more stuff." He stood there, with a stern look not saying a word. I wasn't sure if I was going to see the back side of a belt or be sentenced to my room until after the holidays. I was frozen. I couldn't move...and then it happened. Dad burst out laughing, he even doubled over. All at once he called mom into the room. "Carolynn, Carolynn, come look... you have to see what your daughter has done". I was happy he was laughing but dreaded the mother walking into the room."Before I even saw her face I heard her say" What now Zach, what has she done...." maybe she had been hitting some happy juice or perhaps daddy had been wrapping more than presents in the bedroom with her,but to my delight she also laughed. I sighed. Phew I was off the hook, so now back to the ugly hooked stocking.I sat until bedtime that Christmas eve, tugging and pulling on my stocking until it literally hung to the floor. My parents would walk by occasionally just shaking their head and laughing at me.I didn't care, after all I was the smart one. I'd show them when Christmas morning came...I'd have the most stuff of them all. I went to bed a very happy camper. Leaving Santa a very long list of ideas on what to fill in my stocking.


I could hardly sleep. I laid in bed imagining all the things Santa could possible fit into this GIANT stocking...maybe I'd finally get that horse I had been asking for every year. I'm kidding, a knew a horse wouldn't be allowed in the house, but it would have held a lot of riding gear. A new whip, a new riding helmet with a cool cover ...oh my imagination was running wild. Perhaps there would be room for 15 wrapped presents and enough candy to eat for an entire year... I tossed and turned and finally fell asleep.


 As the Christmas morning appeared I was chomping at the bit so to speak to head downstairs and peer out to see if my horse was in the back yard...and to see what goodies santa had overflowing in my humongous stretched stocking. When I got the okay to head down the stairs, I ran into the den with such zest I must have been bubbly as I tried to come to a halt only to continue to slide in my red footie pajamas. I think I did a stop drop and roll tactic and landed at the foot of my stocking only to stand up stomp my foot and turn around with a look of disgust on my face. My mouth was gapped open and I belted on the top of my lungs to my parents. "ORANGES!"... my parents stood in the doorway laughing under the mistletoe...as I was infuriated and surprised. How could they possibly be laughing. This was absolutely horrible, not at all what I had envisioned.Over 1/2 the stocking was filled at the bottom with oranges and grapefruit... enough fruit for a year. One box of lifesaver candy rolls and candy canes... maybe a few wrapped things... it wasn't even filled and it wasn't over flowing... I sneered back towards my parents who were still laughing in between sips of coffee. I guess the joke was on me. It's what a wild eyed greedy child gets I suppose. My grandmother was snickering in her cute little dainty housecoat and slippers. She said well Stacie when I was a child we hung up our socks we had worn that day and would get one orange a piece and a piece of candy. Our socks weren't very big and fresh fruit and a piece of candy was a treat to a family with 7 children. I suppose she had been right, but it wasn't what I'd had in mind. I looked back at that grungy horrid crochet stocking that had failed me and sighed.


I really hated that stocking now, but I missed something as I had dumped my produce to the floor. Inside that stocking was a hand written note. I reached my little scrawny arm deep inside. I had to dig and dig because between my pulling and all the produce it was stretched to the gills. I finally reached that note and then I carefully read "look out on the back porch your gift is waiting for you outside. Love, SANTA" I dropped the note and ran to the door, almost sliding into it again with those dang footie pj's. I looked to the left- to the right...where was my horse. It was nowhere in sight. I looked back at my parents and said there's nothing out there as I sulked." Santa tricked me, he got me good", I said. They said keep looking are you sure... look all around up and down. My eyes rolled to the corner of the porch floor and there in a cage was a bunny rabbit. #2 on my list. I started screaming on the top of my lungs... I think my grandmother covered her ears while she laughed. I flew open the door as fast as I could run in my footie pj's and there was my little white bunny, hoppy. So that old crocheted stocking worked after all.... the best present of all was a note leading to the biggest gift I got that year. My very own furry best friend. He even made the neatest little round poop balls that I found absolutely amazing. I was quite happy as were my parents standing arm and arm under the mistletoe. It wasn't a horse, but it was a pet and that made me a very happy girl. Something to love, that would love me back.


After all, next year maybe if I stretched that old ugly stocking even more I'd finally make enough room to get that horse I have always dreamed of owning. Now a days I still wish for that horse,... but I'd like it to come with a prince charming. I'd even settle for one that rode inside something horse powered instead.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

My Life Garden



"I am pulling weeds with deep roots and flowers are entangled with them that I do not want to discard. Is it easier to keep the garden you have or till it up and start over? Even starting over will cause weeds to grow eventually-just different weeds. It's really funny to me that shit makes a garden grow,but it does...so if I compare my life to a garden I'm pretty well set in the shit department therefore I have grown,a lot. "-Stacie Hadley

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Unplugged

Sometimes in life it's necessary to simply...unplug. We get so wrapped up in the virtual realm we forget how life was before the internet. The internet can be a very useful tool and aid. It's fantastic for communication and currently my only recent source of a telephone, but yes even that is going to be...unplugged. I need time to reflect on the things that truly matter in my short life here on earth. I desire to use my time here spent with those who will appreciate me and all that I am and WHo I am, rather than who I'm not.

I want to spend my life with tangible people, it's not fun cuddling up in bed w/a laptop night after night. I know what I want in my life, for my life, for my children and even though my ideal life isn't a reality doesn't mean I can't work towards making it one. It may not be with the person I'd hope for it to be with...but nonetheless in finding God he will find me. I don't want much in life, expectations of another that is. I want what we ALL want. Acceptance from family and friends... A FAMILY and FRIENDS, a MATE... a VERY best friend to share nothing and everything with and I will have all those things... but for now I am taking some time away from the virtual world and stepping back into the old school way of doing things. Snail mail, knocking on real doors, poking real people(okay really nobody does that in real life, perhaps it should have been nudge and not poke on FB because that's more real but again FB is not a REAL life it's a tool in communicating with others to establish or maintain Reality.) So...having ample self control and knowing what I want for my life...I must unplug the fake one.

 It's much easier for me to hide away here, than face the world head on. In the real world I'm judged and ostracized and scrutinized but apparently in the virtual realm it happens there too- at least I will be able to see the faces of those who do it to me. I honestly am very hurt right now that holding grudges, having pride, being controlling and partaking in activities that aren't good for Christians are more important to some proclaimed Christians. Everyone has their own opinions and views and you will ALWAYS find people to take your side, but it still doesn't always make it right just because they agree.Really it's just excuses...it's much easier to make up an excuse and turn the table on some one than facing one's own reality.

Life is what we make it and we shouldn't waste time doing things that don't really matter or make us happy- if you REALLY want something in life you have to go for it and not whine about not having it. Yeah, aspies have a harder time making friends or having a relationship but it CAN be achieved if there is a WILL to do so. If you say you wish things weren't a certain way, well change them. If you really wish your life was different stop saying it and do something about it- I know I am and have been for sometime and part of the process I need for myself is to step back, reflect and unplug.

It's 20 days until Christmas I wonder if I will get what I really want this year, what I need... remains to be seen...as for now my scene is changing...out of the virtual world and into the desolate real one.

3...2...1...done.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Would be so nice to win!!!

Being a single mom w/ kids on the spectrum I sure hope we win...however... the new found literature alone and potential friendships are worth far more than tangible things.

Please go here to join a really awesome blog read and register to win some toys for your children on the spectrum. I did! And found some great new sites to visit in the process. Meryy Christmas!




http://www.hartleysboys.com/p/win-free-toys-from-asq-and-hlw3b.html

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Sounds like...laughter

‎"...I'm sorry there's just something that sounds so wrong with "twist it, twist it" ...."bop it ...bop it"..."twist it, twist it...bop it bop it" oooooooo yeah so wrong. Maybe it's just my mind. I think I'd laugh all day long if I was a toy tester. HAHA, yeah see even that sounds so wrong to me. I'm gonna go stick my head in the sand for the rest of the night and pray I don't wake up a stiff."~Stacie Hadley

Monday, November 22, 2010

Eye Be LEAF



"Eye be LEAF" the leaves are falling & I know they have all lived their season.Oh how I'd hate to be a leaf & live such a short life on earth... but perhaps to trees leaves are like hair or skin that sheds on people,so perhaps it's just showing us we all go through phases & we should learn from them how short our seasons on earth are. We are born,we grow,we mature,we die,the end here(in between it all we live)until there. ><> Stacie HAdley

Friday, November 19, 2010

Start with yourself

This is not something I wrote...but worthy enough to share. IT was written by an anonymous person many years ago.
The following words were written on the tomb of an Anglican Bishop in the Crypts of Westminster Abbey:

When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change my own country.

But it, too, seemed immovable.

As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing  only my family and those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it.

And now as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realize:If I had only changed MY SELF FIRST, then by example I would have changed my family.


From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country and who knows, I may have changed the world.


Anonymous 



Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Utter Nonsense



Conflicted natures, confusing words...utter nonsense!


I miss you and yours and want to hold you so very much but I don't see how it's going to work out....

I'm Beginning To See

  • When he had spit on the [blind] man's eyes and put his hands on him, Jesus asked, "Do you see anything?" He looked up and said, "I see people; they look like trees walking around." Once more Jesus put his hands on the man's eyes...and he saw everything clearly. (Mark 8:22-25)

     Well now...why didn't I think of that before. What PERFECT logic. Let's see, loving someone so much that avoiding them because you don't know how to make a life with them in it...is the absolutely BEST solution. Wow, why didn't I think of that.

    ...How Perfect in the IMPERFECT world to SEEK perfection in any form of any type of relationship....
     profound. 

    Do you think it's possible to seek the impossible???  I'm pretty sure if one looks for the perfect road to the perfect relationship in life and plans out every step of how "THEY" see it should work rather than letting GOD show them how it WILL work instead of just loving, enjoying the short time we are given,believing and having faith. 

    Gosh I have always wanted to meet somone fall in love with them and to feel the way E.B. White wrote
    " Being with you is like walking on a very clear morning- definitely the sensation of belonging there." 
    Have you ever felt that way about anyone? Such a natural comfort, unlike any other you have EVER experienced in your life? And then walk away from it, yeah...that makes sense... after all I'm scared of how things will work out in the end so it's much better to just walk away now and never find out. Never try everything possible to make the relationship work because well, I just don't want it to fail. 

    I have yet to meet a perfect person. I know I never will. I know as I age life has molded me like playdoh. I have been through so many different experiences and learned so much from all kinds of relationships. I have sought unconditional love, and know for a fact that it exists because I carry it in my heart. Many including my own blood have not shown me that same mercy, that same fair shake...for whatever reason they have chosen it's much better for their lives to just not be a part of mine. Not to enjoy my laughter and tears, not to see my children and their wild and whacky antics and endless humor and love... and the hugs, the stories...the purest of all joys this life could possibly bring. But...it's not what they want for their life and I can't make them be a part of mine. I can want certain relationships until I am blue in the face...but unless they want them too- they are right it will never work, they don't see how it can work because it's not really what they want. 

    What they want more than likely doesn't exist. They may find it alongside a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow in a field where the unicorns graze. Just maybe. Imagination can be wonderful, but reality is so much better. Both are needed in life... and it takes creativity and the power of unconditional love, and belief in God and faith that it will work out if we put forth an effort to make it so.

    In life others instruct us on what we need to do in order to be successful in life, and what we should look for in a mate...and we often use our parents as models in finding those mates. I for one choose not to use that theory in my life. I never want a relationship like the kind my parents had. It was for them, but it wasn't and isn't for me. It worked for them, that's great.... I would much rather have a more meshing mate...one that shared the same interests as me, or did things I had desires to learn about or at least intrigued me. Someone that shares my same warped,whacky sense of humor and can laugh at me and themselves.Many people bring sameness and difference to relationships which is wonderful and needed. What one cannot do-the other can and so on and so forth. Two is better than one, and it's how God planned it. It bugs me when people say you don't need a man...I'm not that type of person. I do need a man and so do my boys...I need one to teach them how to be men of their word. When they say something they follow through. I need them to show my boys how to love a woman, how to take care of a family by just simply being there and not walking away. I need them to show my boys how to use tools... okay they don't need to know- but I want them to know. I think being handy is an attractive quality in a man, and my dad was a handy guy. I wish he was still around, I wish he had taught me a little more about being handy even though I'm female. He did teach me a few things... and those I apply.

    We can't control others, we can only control how we react to them. I can expect to have a lifetime of hurt...if I keep an open, loving, soft, bleeding heart. All the hardships I have endured, and a lot of them alone have shaped my character....but they haven't hardened my heart. They haven't made me hold grudges or be bitter because I see how that affects others. It's an ugly thing to see and can be devastating to those who love them. I never want to fight w/ the person I love....ever. But how realistic is that. There will be disagreements always between every human being alive...mothers to fathers, parents to children, grandparents to grandkids, friend to friend... in those times of trials and tribulations we can stay and fight for whats worth keeping or we can walk away. I have never been one to walk away...but I do know when I'm tired of paddling alone...on an uphill battle... one can only go on so long before they are exhausted. I guess I'd go to the ends of the earth to be with someone I loved, no matter the hour, the need, I'd find a way to make it happen....but that's just me. I am not perfect and I have much to work on in my life, but I will ALWAYS have things to improve on.... would be better to have someone to hold my hand while I do....

    but we don't always get what we want...
    but God will give us what we need...
    and I suppose I don't need anyone else to quit on me or my children...
    but I will never have control over that, just as I will never have control over how long God will let me keep breathing on this earth. for all I know today could be my last day here... and wouldn't it be spent best with those I really love, uncertainties and all. 

Monday, November 15, 2010

"Fabrication...is like cotton...it's the fabric of our lives. Don't believe everything you see or hear, but believe what you feel... "
 ♥ ♥~ Stacie HAdley Sylvia written 11-15-10

Saturday, November 13, 2010


"If you can't go a day 
without thinking about someone, 
then you shouldn't go a day 
without being with them."

~Stacie Hadley 11-13-2010

Friday, November 12, 2010

Feel What You Cannot See





"I have reached a wall...
I look to the left and the wall goes on for infinity...
I look to the right and the perspective is identical...
I look down at my feet which are firmly planted on the ground...
I look behind me and I see chaos...
I look up and I see nothing,nothing at all... 
but I feel something that is not visible...
I feel peace." 



Stacie Hadley 11-12-10
><> <3 <>< 


If you click on the photo it will enlarge so that you may see it more clearly.



(but upon further inspection I see Jesus' profile looking towards the heavens like a sideways crescent from the split in his beard to the shape and his lips and nose and eye socket area...compared to a drawing the resemblances are remarkable...perhaps this is just how it was revealed to me so that I would know... but below Jesus towards what would be the top of his head is a vertical profile of my earthly father, Zach Hadley ...he's looking to the left you can see the shape of his head made w/ both the positive and negative colors in the cloud...you can see his lip shapes...his nose and his eyes...and what appears to b his reading glasses ...I just know I see my father he is there he was there he is with my heavenly father and he is watching over us all, just as Jesus is... this is just what I see, this is what it means to me...and you can choose to BELIEVE or not...I know what I saw and what I felt and that's my gift I am trying to share w/ all of you....hope you choose to receive it-Stacie Hadley  this photo was taken on Nov. 5, 2010 in Kinston NC)






Stacie Hadley 11-12-10
><> <3 <>< 

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Steel my heart





Love is like a steel can...


Once in a great while someone takes your life by storm...
 so powerful and abrasive not even an umbrella can protect you-


 the velocity of the winds uproot and invert your umbrella 
they twist and sway you from the inside out...
never to be turned out right again...


along the line the storm dents your steel 
and then you become damaged goods from other's perspectives


left to sit on a shelf to collect dust...
until someone deems you worthy dents and all. 


dents add character...


storms push you into a new place...


and love, ...


true love,...of the unconditional persuasion...
that kind of love... heals all.


~Stacie Hadley 11-11-10


The moral is:


Just because this can has taken some hard knocks in it's life and it doesn't appear perfect to those who obviously see it has visible flaws in it's world...doesn't mean that life's experiences haven't changed the contents inside the can for the better. The contents haven't expired...they have aged well and grown from the dents life kicked it with. Stop kicking the can,... love the can...you know you can.


with love,
Stacie Hadley 


***hoping to heal broken hearts, broken relationships...everywhere... everyone deserves a chance to prove themselves time and time again for nobody is perfect and time changes and ages things...


***don't let the rust spots and the dents ruin relationships!


photography by me(Stacie Hadley) ...my can, my kitchen...just because parts are broken doesn't mean they aren't worth fixing...

Monday, November 8, 2010

Silly Quote from an artsy fartsy folk...that'd be me.

"I never have given a twat about a tweet... it's for the birds I say. Chirp is cheap...twat is a treat, unless the tweet is a tainted twat then...all is for naught! To think Penicillin used to be a "cure" all... I think NOT. Park your BEAK for talk is cheap but I am not " Stacie Hadley

...broken...

...broken heart, broken house, broken home, broken family, broken dreams, broken thoughts, broken phone, broken frig,broken dryer,broken door knob, broken sink, breaking car, broken walls, broken roof,...

broken this and that...

broken, broken, broken...

broken record...

Yes.

broken spirit???...

NO.

...bruised but not broken,...
shattered but not unrepairable.

...but that heart...

Oh,...
that broken heart...

... on many accords,
... via many people,
will take centuries to mend.

Sound appealing? The only thing that's a peeling is my ceiling.

...broken.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

An Aha Moment, on Ben Being Literal


Growing up not knowing I was an Aspie I took things literally and people took me for being naive, I suppose I was that as well. It took many years being the brunt of jokes to "get" the jokes and use my newly learned "witticism" and multi-meanings of words to my full advantage.However, How I soon forget that my son Ben has yet to gain the vast knowledge about puns and living as I have.

This being established so begins my little blog about Ben. We were laying things out for the field trip tomorrow. This was the 2nd field trip Ben had been on this year. The first was to the Nature Center, mostly outside examining railroad tracks and such. I know tomorrow is going to be a rather warm day and said it was okay for the boys to wear their sandals. Ben insisted repeatedly he must wear tennis shoes. Many times I just let the words roll off and shrug and brush them aside but he was persistent this time. He wouldn't back down and was almost yelling at me I have to wear my TENNIS shoes because it's a FIELD trip mom. I said, Ben you are going to see a play tomorrow. HE stopped and said ..." a play?". I said "Yes Ben and explained where it was." That seemed to appease him but he still had to get in "Well, I thought we were going on a field trip..." and I said, "You are, to see a play". "Oh, he said one of many times pretending to understand"...and That was the end of that.As I was tucking them in bed the topic of the play came up. I said you are going to see James and the Giant PEach. Ben laughed and said "Who ever heard of such, a giant peach!" I said well the people who wrote the play Ben. He looked at me perplexed. I said my goodnights and went about my tasks before my bedtime. I was making sure clothes and snacks were set out and busiest myself in laundry.

Suddenly, as I am unloading the dryer it hit me like a ton of bricks. I BURST out laughing and said outloud..." A FIELD trip!!!" It had suddenly taken all this time to sink in that he thought he was literally going to a "field" outside and needed his tennis shoes to go there. I hadn't stopped to explain to him what a field trip really meant but recall in ear shot Jake his older brother explaining it to him in the bedtime shuffle. How could I have been so naive.Totally didn't occur to me that my son thought it was an outside ordeal, just as the one a few weeks ago had been when they did go across an actual field. Once I realized what the ruckus had been about it just tickled me...and I was laughing at myself. Being a very visual thinker.. a second wave of laughter erupted from within as I envisioned a GIANT peach... a real one. No wonder Ben had looked at me perplexed. He thinks he is going to a place tomorrow to see a boy named JAmes and this Giant peach he's grown... no wonder he thought it to be absurd... haha.I am still laughing as I am writing this, imagining how BIG he envisioned this overgrown produce to be.

Tomorrow I will have to prepare him for what's really going to transpire so he will not be laughed at as I was when I was his age and thought things of the similar nature. Oh well,at least this time when I have to relive my youth I can do it with fresh eyes and am empathetic heart for I know first hand what it has been like to be the one who didn't "get" things...and still don't sometimes. I remember so many times as a child, and even sometimes now shaking my head yes that I understood something I totally didn't get. I was too embarrassed to say otherwise. Occasionally I'd get the nerve to ask them to repeat the question, and be ostracized for doing such a thing...and still not "getting" it because I was concentrating on being laughed at. Just takes things longer to sink in, but once they are in there... they are pretty much embedded forever. I tell ya kids certainly keep our brains working... even after they are sound asleep.

Friday, October 15, 2010

The J-I-G is up.



...tip toe, tip toe... in the silence of the night around the corner of my door frame appears this incredibly adorable smiling face. It's only about 2 am as he sits there with a shit eating grin...I couldn't help but to smile at his exuberant expression. "Owen! What are you doing up", I exclaim with a half cocked smile. He says nothing...just grins and extends his arm holding an empty sippy cup. I said that he should be in bed it was too late for juice. He slowly raises his cup and points repeatedly at the water dispenser. "Ice and water, ice and water" he softly chants with a heart warming smile. Okay seriously who could be mad at that... he's too stinkin' cute and he knows it.

I sighed and got out of bed to fulfill his request as any good mother would. He just peered at me with the biggest smile in the world... he had toted with him this adorable green fairy froggy that the "ikea santa" brought him last christmas. I smiled at him and asked him what his frogs name was... he looked at me perplexed as I continued to refill his sippy... he then put his forefinger to his sweet little cubby face and said " spelled the letters J-I-G then said Froggy, that's his name". I chuckled. HE's the youngest of 6 and he's the only one that spells things before he says what they are. I suppose this has to do with the influence of a certain Aspergian role model he had the majority of his God given days. I said, "J-I-G"..."froggy, huh?" he said yep and grinned. I giggled and took him into my arms and selfishly made him kiss me on my cheek.

Since he was up and so was I now, we made our way through the laundry room so mommy could go potty. I sat him outside the restroom on a stool as I disappeared into the bathroom and he just grinned from ear to ear... I then proceeded to change his diaper after I was done... and we were then on our way back through the main bedroom... in doing so we had to pass a full length mirror. Out of no where OWen said look mom I see me in your miwwor. His cute baby talk stopped me in my tracks. So I enlightened him and let him peer for a moment into the reflection. He said I have blue eyes mommy...I said yes you do- as I giggled in my sleep deprived state... he then said you have blue eyes too mommy... I said yes I do. He said I see us in your miwwor, I said yes you do... he said I see the whites beside your eyes mommy... so observant for a 3 yr old... this inquisitive nature about various things continued for sometime until I said "OWen, do you know what time it is?"... Owen grinned and said "yes, it's tip toe time" hahaha.

Often when he gets up on our way back to bed I say he has to tiptoe, since he walks on his tippys a lot anyway as most autistic children do... it just tickled me the way he said it. I sat him down, reluctantly, as I enjoy holding him in my arms. He's just getting so very big, so very fast and I miss his baby stages. He adorably and literally tiptoed to bed and climbed in w/ his ice water sippy and his froggy named J-i-g... and I tucked him back in bed. I suppose his jig was up... but it will forever remain a precious memory in my heart and mind forever. I love that little boy so very much...as much as I do his brothers and sisters and his mentor... life really passes us by so very quickly. It's moments like these that are worth far more than money ever could be. I wouldn't miss this time for the world, nothing is more important to me than being with those I love. There is nothing that could keep me away from being w/ my loved ones, absolutely nothing.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Interesting word art ~


"let our words not define us, but rather refine us"-stacie hadley

A friend led me to this website that takes words from your blog site and turns them into word art...this is how it appeared to me colors and all... it kinda reminds me of a tree of life(or a bush)...I hope we can take these words of wisdom and grow from them :)~(CLICK on the PHOTO and it will enlarge so that you may view the words better)

Some of the word clusters are rather humorous clumped together...we all need more laughter in life right ;) Freud may have loved sections of this such as "someone need cracks one time...continue things forward bad behind"...yeah you get my drift... then other segments are rather inspirational...it could be interpreted in so many various ways... like in life we fall in cracks and we need God sometimes and people... I don't know it's just a fun little word art ditty :) I liked that it was organic in shape and color...earthy and real... like life itself.

It inspired me to create a personal quote "let our words not define us, but rather refine us"-stacie hadley

In life we learn something daily...it may seem trivial at the time but in days or years to come we can reflect back on life experiences and know that we have all grown from where we once were.

I stumbled across this quote online today:

"For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else. ~unknown~"

I found it rather thought provoking...so I will leave you with those thoughts and my word art...reflect,recollect,and refine yourself daily :)

I'm anxious to hear your thoughts...you can find this on the web at the link below :)


http://www.wordle.net/show/wrdl/2574903/LIFE

PS~ THank you Sherilin for leading me to this fun little site and for walking me through the best way to share this photo on my blog !! :D

Friday, August 20, 2010

What About That Ole' Rusty Anchor...


We have all been victim of being dragged down, weighed down, tied down... to an ole' rusty Anchor. Whether it was a set of pessimistic parents or friends that merely viewed life as half empty rather than half full. At some point we have to realize that we can't move forward and let the wind catch our sails if we still haven't let go of what's holding us back. Someone made reference to ships docked in a harbor being safe. Sure... but what were ships designed for? Sailing.

God didn't design us to stay in the place that is easier for us... he didn't want us to be enabled and have it on easy street. He wanted us to let go of our safety nets and set sail to realize the plan he had in store for us all along. We all have a purpose in this life... but we can't attain that if we don't try for it. We need to spread those sails and let the wind carry us where we need to be. We know in our hearts we are not happy or satisfied when we have anchors holding us in place, especially if we haven't moved very far in life. We all have dreams and aspirations... but God also has a dream for our lives. Sure in our comfort zone where we don't have to work very hard to merely "sustain" ourselves... we can... survive. But we aren't "living." We aren't thriving. That is why we get depressed.

Once we reach a port that is satisfying we will be truly happy. God will be happy for us. Perhaps at bay from time to time the currents may come along that are strong enough to budge our rusty anchors. We may move a little to the left and a little to the right... we may skip forward with that current or backwards... but the reality is we are still attached to that rusty anchor. Well why is it rusty you may say...that's because we have been holding on to it for FAR too many years. Eventually the rust will eat away and we may just float away never seeing what we were meant to see because by this time our sails will have dry rotted as well.

Life is short. Sail while you can sail...and see what he wanted you to see. It's time to unhitch our rusty anchors and move forward with our lives. What's holding you back? Let your heart and soul rejoice in all it's glorious spender. Have a "little faith" it will carry you a long, long way. You may upset some waves... there may be turbulence for fighting for your freedom... but it's YOUR life and nobody else's so seize it. Don't be a bottom dweller any longer... don't sway stagnant in the currents of your life... cut yourself free, float to the top and sail.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Friday the 13th...in a personal positive light


Today marks month 7 since my fathers passing... albeit Friday the 13th... I CHOOSE to view his passing as a step in my personal growth. We all have choices in life. My dad was constantly telling me " Stacie, darlin' we can't control but one thing in life...and that's our attitude." So in honor of my dad's outlook on LIFE after his passing... I choose the positive, optimistic view on all the possibilities for my future. Life is what we make it, period. I miss him more today than ever...and yes, his passing did change my perspective on living. I hate to think that something so tragic will really FORCE someone to do a turn about... to really take "inventory" of life. They should do this when those they love and care for are living...but sometimes... it takes something as BIG as death of a parent or sibling...or child...to really put the emphasis on how short life is, and how very important some people are to us...in the one we have.
Make the best of every day you have, starting today...you CAN make a positive step in the right direction. CHOOSE to live better, for yourself and those around you.

My family consisted of a mother, father, myself and my brother...now my family has come unglued. My hope is that what is left of my family will come together on God's timing. I hope one day I can have a whole family unit for my children...that they may have uncles, aunts, grandparents...and a father figure standing beside me. I would ideally like this not only for my boys, but for me. However, my life plans rest in God's hands.I will surely scamper a little more hurriedly down the path he laid before me...as to make up for lost time. I do regret it taking me so long to draw a bigger picture of what life really means...and who means the most in mine. May my scattered puzzle slowly be pieced back together lovingly by the hand of God. xo <3>< Stacie

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

In numerical order, we CAN move forward



The eternal pessimist can restructure himself to become the optimist. It's all about attitude & outlook. Instead of comparing life to a sinking ship, remember there are life vests & dingies to keep you afloat & moving forward. Frame of mind & staying positive & ridding our thoughts of the negative are imperative to thriving.Don't dwell on the negatives...instead nurture the positives. Stacie Hadley :) 8-9-10

I wrote this on August 9th, 2010
~ 8-9-10~
My inspiration behind this quote was focusing on the positives of climbing the numerical ladder of life.

In perfect order we continue to climb,instead of decline. We don't want to slide backwards. Just take a deep breath press forward and use the past to build your future.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Peeking through the Fence


Relationships are best examined with the perspective that you are "peeking" through a fence. You can focus more readily on the mundane nuances that occur when people don't think they are being watched or seen. So many parts of ones inner most being are best kept contained, say within the perimeters of a fence. Every now and then things will slip through the cracks of that fence revealing the utter most truths. Some may be beautiful and others hideous.

To really know someone you have to take peeks into that fence when all guards are down and people feel comfortable to be their private selves. It's an interesting theory really. So many things can be discovered not only about others, but ourselves if we unveil this perspective from time to time. Perhaps we should examine our own habits or ways when we are sure that we are completely alone. The real truth behind it all, is even though we think we are alone. We never are. God is with us and who knows, I suppose it is possible that people that have passed on are watching us too. Gosh to think someone watches me shower. Good gravy!

Often I will wander into my yard, behind my beautiful fence that was so methodically built by a good friend of mine. I am, for all intents and purposes, alone on these quiet little strolls. However, as I just sit and enjoy the brief solitude, if a neighbor comes out- I can see them, through those cracks in my fence. It's interesting really. They often don't know I am there. It's during these moments I wonder how many times the roles have been reversed. These oozing glimpses through the cracks of a fence. I certainly hope I wasn't picking my nose. Sometimes those glimpses revealed through those cracks can make or break even the most solid relationship. Somethings are just not negotiable in life. Others may be sheer annoyances or disappointments but can be contended with.

My reason behind wanting to share this peeking through the fence theory is so that we can work on changing our weak or bad areas that often go unnoticed or are rarely seen. Those sides of ourselves we are perhaps ashamed of or know we should be doing things in life differently. The best way to examine and repair any relationship is to start with yourself first. It's much easier to pick apart others flaws that seep through those cracks in the fence, but first we must seek to mend our own festering short comings.

These certainly can be done simultaneously or alongside those whom we have a relationship with. Then again, sometimes people need to sit apart from someone and take time to examine their issues. They need to be sorted and reorganized in order to continue that relationship in particular. As long as we don't fool ourselves and waste time we can continue to move forward. The bad thing in life is that while our wheels are turning so are the hands of the clock because time is limited. It's a very precious commodity that shouldn't be wasted. If we wait to long to restore broken relationships they may stay that way forever. Life is too short to try to fix things on a solo ship for too long so we must know that we should work swiftly in order for our contents of the inner fence to remain in tact.We also don't need to get sidetracked by trivial things that in the end won't really matter at all to us or anyone else.So we need to ask ourselves, "Is what I am doing behind my fence going to benefit my future, is it bettering the relationships with God and others in my life? and the cracks that are visible to others...How will my current efforts be reflected or conveyed to others in my life?" I suppose the answer to the last one is sometimes it doesn't matter what other people think as long as we know our ambition of self improvement is on a steady incline rather than a decline. We certainly don't want to sit stagnant while those hands on the clock keep moving forward. We don't want to miss out on somethings in life that may make cracks in our own fence more pleasing to not only others but ourselves down the road of life.

As for our relationships, in order for this word to exist it means we must have some sort of rapport with others. Certainly we don't carry a mirror around as hope that that vain image is the only one we want to reside with the rest of our days on this earth. It's a fact we all need people in our lives. It's what God intended. It was his plan 2 by 2. Just as our relationship with God exists because he already loves us and sees us inside and outside of our fences. Day and Night, he's peeking. Tomorrow is a new day, are you gonna start working on your imperfections? I know I am. I'd be ashamed for someone to peek into my personal fence. Unfortunately in life, it's a constant chore. We will always need to work on improving the views inside our fences...so that when someone does take the time to peek...they will like what they see and we will like what they find.

On a side note, the inspiration behind this blog was something I thought of because of my inclusive snapshot of a view into my neighbor's glorious flower garden from the crack in my fence.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Finding a Way in Life,in the wake of my dad's death; Z. Z. Hadley III(aka Zach,Daddy and Papapa)


It's been awhile since I have written anything. It probably would have been beneficial and perhaps therapeutic for me to blog about it. So, today's the day I got enough courage to muster up words to express my feelings on the loss of my father. It's been 6 Sundays since I last spoke with him. He had been in the hospital since a few days before the first of the year. He went in for a procedure to hopefully rid him of jaundice. There were complications and he became worse rapidly...it would be almost 2 weeks later his body would stop fighting for his life. Jan. 13, 2010 would forever mark the day of his death.

We got a call he had taken a turn for the worst and got there as soon as it was humanly possible with 4 small children in tow. What was to be a day visit turned into the better part of a week. He was quite critical when we arrived. I went into to see the man that had given me life writhing around in great pain. It was heartbreaking to hear his moans and feel the coldness of his hands. There he was my dad, dying. My mother sat quietly beside him as I entered the special ICU unit at the VA Hospital. She had her hand lovingly in his. I went to speak and she shh-ed me and said simply "pray". I did as tears streamed slowly down my face like raindrops rolling down a windshield. IT seemed surreal. "No, not my dad, no... not daddy..." I thought to myself. He's so young to me at 66, although here I stood trembling beside him at 38.

My dad was such a funny ,vivacious man and the apple didn't fall far from the tree. He was my mentor, my hero, my dad. He was the parent I identified with most and the thought of losing him would make me feel orphaned. I do feel orphaned. My dad was the guy I called who would give me directions when I was lost. Being that he traveled for years as a salesman for his own church furniture business, he knew all the short cuts. I admired him for all that he was. He was the photographer in my home, well until I came around at the age of 8 when I started my passion and obsession for photography. I was all but glued to my camera, falling in the shadows of my father. Who would I call now? Who would take my photo? How can I find my way now that I feel so lost with out him.

My dad was the one who taught me how to catch frogs as a girl and taught me what to look for in a man, a frog prince, as I matured. He passed knowing, or assuming and accepting a certain person into my life. My dad didn't admire many of the men I dated. I think perhaps only a couple whom I both let slip through my fingers...chopped up to being young and foolish. Not even the men I married were truly measurable in his eyes, that is until now. He identified with a certain trait and potential in this person that reminded him of himself, and well who wouldn't love that. My dad was quite lovable and nurturing. He always went above and beyond to see my kids, his grandchildren, had the "coolest" presents for birthdays and Christmases. He'd get them special treats for holiday get togethers ...he was thoughtful, like me. I remember one Christmas he drove all over Eastern North Carolina, town to town, looking for a special item for my son who has Asperger's syndrome. That's the kind of dedication he had for his family, and the kind I am looking for in a lifelong partnership. Who knows if it will ever come to fruition, but it's nice to dream. For some, dreams do turn into realities if enough dedication is forthcoming and both people realise the "rough" gems they have stumbled upon. Life is about shaping and polishing those edges of ourselves which are in need of maintenance. We all have things to work on, even my dad had flaws. After all he was merely human.

Have you ever missed someone so much that it literally hurts? A deep yearning ache and longing for someone that was such a huge part of your life. To lose someone you love be it to death, or unforeseen circumstances is a huge mourning. People so very special that no one could pale in comparison or even hold a candlestick to them. We have such few bright lights in our lives that to have a single one snuffed out is unfathomable. But, it unfortunately happens wheteher we like it or not. Life must go on.I suppose I knew this day would come as it is all of our fates...I just didn't think it would come so soon for my father. My dad's dad lived into his late 80's and his mother in her early 90's. We had just buried her nearly a year prior to dad's dying. It just doesn't seem fair. Of course we know, life isn't fair. It's a gift and we don't know when our number is up. The one thing my dad taught me in recent years is that we can't control anything in our lives except our attitude. He'd say "Darlin' you know I love you, but you have to work on your attitude. It's all we can control in life."I have to repeat that to myself now on a near daily basis.

So in his final hours I sat silently beside him with tears seemingly streaming slowly and steadily from my God given faucet. I held his hand and massaged it to help the blood flow but it was so swollen from all the fluids and cold. A religious song that bared the words "carry me to Jesus" was playing softly in the background. This was it, the last time I'd see my dad alive. Even though it wasn't really living as he was hooked up to full life support at this moment. Everything was failing, all vital organs, it was just a matter of God's timing. I was already feeling a great loss in a couple portions of my life and I didn't know how to handle it. I cracked a joke a couple times, still with teary eyes. Thinking dad would like that. I told him I would care for my mother and brother to the best of my abilities which at this point in my life is just time. I told him I wanted him to fight and come back to us all but that if he was tired of trying to just let go. He had been through so much and so many things for so very long. Again, quite much a parallel to my own life. I wrapped my arm around him and gently kissed him on the forehead. I said "I love you daddy, see you when I see you." and I just sat and cried. My mom came in about 7:30 on Tuesday Jan. 12, 2010 to get me and I left the hospital hallways alone as an adult with 4 boys whom were still ever so sweet and patiently in tow. Someone dropped us of at the hotel and I was so reluctant to stay alone. I didn't want to get the call, and I knew it was coming. But I was solo with my boys, and it was so very sad. I got the boys bathed and in bed and I did the same for myself a little while after that.

I awoke gasping for breath in the middle of the night and felt this weird feeling. I didn't know why I had woken...I just walked around tiptoeing to not wake the boys, pacing...eventually returning to my cold covers and curled up and fell asleep. I learned in the early morning hours that my dad had passed in the same time period I had strangely awoken in the middle of the night. Then the reality of the loss that had been impending for days had finally happened. I had been on edge for days trying to process what was taking place before my very eyes and finding it hard to communicate or convey my emotions to those around me. I was like a bottled up note floating in the vast sea for days on end until someone uncorked it. (this is the part where my dad would march in and say well stacie this is when you become really unscrewed, haha)Ever humorous until the bitter end, that was my dad...and it has to be me too. Finding humor that is, in the most trivial things and in daily living to carry me through the life and the paths God has planned for me.

I love you daddy rabbit and I will miss you always.

.